In just a few short months, on December 14th, we will have been married for two years. Our story, as you might imagine, goes back much farther than our mid-pandemic wedding ceremony and booze-less wedding reception. There’s always a story that comes before the happily ever after of every couple. We all know Hollywood has cornered the market with the romanticized version of new relationships. We feel our story could add a new twist to the genre; “romance in recovery” – sober couple’s edition.
In many ways, we’re very much a normal married couple; we both work at our respective jobs, eat dinner together every night, and share household chores. We laugh, argue, go on adventures, and make plans for the future. As “normal” as we are, in many ways, we’re not normal at all. I mean, take one look at us, and most people can point out the most obvious abnormality about us as a married couple… (It’s okay; we’re used to the weird looks and whispering.) Ironically enough, our age difference isn’t even the most eye-brow-raising thing about us, but not many people will ever actually get to know that. We have a secret. Well, it’s not so much a secret as it is privileged information. What you can’t tell by looking at us, though, is that we’re both (gasp) alcoholics.
If you were to ask a random person off the street to describe a marriage between two alcoholics, the description would probably include lots of screaming fights, thrown dishes, broken furniture, and visits from the police between trips to jail. That stereotype, however, is best left to American television.
Our story really begins in the rooms of our local Alcoholics Anonymous group. Stan found his home in the rooms recovery after entering treatment in December of 2014. He quickly became active in his home group, chaired meetings, and attended A.A. events all across the region. Nina found this same camaraderie in the rooms about four years later and began searching for a better way of life beyond the bottle. Living in such a small, rural community, it was only natural that our paths eventually crossed at meetings.
Despite our obvious age difference and length of time in sobriety, we were quickly drawn to each other because of our struggles in active addiction. Our similarities were obvious; we both had been physically addicted to alcohol to an extent that required medical detox, we both had been close to death before we got help, and we both required extended stays in treatment to get a head start in living sober.
As we got to know each other through conversations, before and after meetings, we grew closer together. We would often meet early before meetings to sit and have coffee and stay after the meeting, absorbed in conversations long after the parking lot had emptied.
It was not long before worries about the nature of our relationship began to spread to other members of the group. As we began to develop a romantic connection, the rumors started to fly, thus creating a rather large hiccup in our budding relationship. It was brought to our attention on several different occasions that select members within our fellowship did not approve of our relationship. These members loudly voiced their opinions, not only to us but to anyone who would listen. They continued to make their opinions known regularly throughout the first several months that we were together.
To their credit, in the rooms of many 12-step fellowships, there are often many spoken and unspoken rules or “recommendations” that members are “suggested” to follow. For example, it is often recommended that newcomers stay out of relationships for the first year of sobriety. It is also highly recommended not to enter into a relationship with someone who is early in recovery, whether you are or not. Apparently… not everyone follows those suggestions (guilty).
With that being said, the concerns of our fellow group members were not unfounded, but their strong opinions were often unsolicited, and their approach was not aligned with the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous. We were able to weather this storm while keeping our commitment to our individual sobriety and to each other. Considering the risks, we were fortunate not to have lost both. As the saying often goes in the rooms, “time takes time.” Eventually, the shock wore off, the rumors died down, and we were once again able to find our place in the rooms–this time as a sober couple.
Over the years, we have experienced many ups and downs in our relationship. From joining together as a blended family to financial struggles, and busy schedules, we are not immune to the challenges any couple faces throughout the course of their relationship. Through overcoming our individual addiction challenges, we have learned how to apply the principles of recovery in all of our affairs.
We’ll be the first to admit that life as a sober couple does have some pretty comedic moments. Like trying to explain to your 82-year-old mother how you met your 21-year-old fiancé or explaining to your 16-year-old brother where you met his new 48-year-old brother-in-law. Needless to say, that conversation can very quickly begin to feel like you are walking through a cow pasture, barefoot, and blindfolded. You know you’re going to step in some shit; you’re just not sure when.
Most couples have the luxury of explaining how they met each other at work, school, or perhaps even at a bar or nightclub. Not us! When people ask us how we met, we normally fumble around for a vague answer about being introduced through “friends.” Not an outright lie, but slightly shading the whole truth. Because honestly, how do you explain that you met the love of your life at an anonymous meeting without exposing the love of your life as a reformed drunk?
When they do finally realize that we’re both alcoholics, a new form of comedy ensues. Like the first Thanksgiving at Stan’s childhood home, when the most amazing display of Olympic-level acrobatics was performed to ensure that booze was nowhere in sight as the sober couple arrived unannounced. Or, Nina’s mother playing the most impressive game of 20-questions to determine whether family recipes that have been used for decades should be altered to exclude vanilla extract to avoid triggering the sober couple.
Other than fielding questions about alcoholism or occasionally turning down offers to meet up for a drink from friends and co-workers, our lives closely mirror that of any couple on a day-to-day basis. Basically, we do anything and everything non-alcoholics do, except drink alcohol while doing it. We plan vacations, go to the beach, eat at restaurants that serve alcohol, watch college football, travel abroad, and join raucous crowds at rock concerts throughout the year. As a matter of fact, attending concerts is one of our favorite sober pastimes.
We are grateful to have had the opportunities to see artists like Elton John, the Goo Goo Dolls, Def Leppard, the Eagles, George Strait and Sting, to name a few. We can always be assured we will see people drinking like we used to, at those events. However, as a sober couple, when we go to concerts, we know we will remember two things: (1) the concert and (2) where we parked our car; often, not everyone in the crowd can say that.
Another perk of being a sober couple is that we don’t have to navigate having a “normie” partner who drinks with impunity. We don’t have to worry about always being the designated driver for our partner, budgeting for alcoholic beverages on a night out, or being subjected to the stench of alcohol on our partner’s breath.
As a sober couple, it’s a relief to not to have to worry about the tension that comes from one person being away from home to attend meetings throughout the week. As a matter of fact, we often enjoy attending meetings together and never have to debate the need for an alcohol-free space at home. It’s kind of a given at this point.
We are grateful to have had the opportunities to see artists like Elton John, the Goo Goo Dolls, Def Leppard, the Eagles, George Strait and Sting, to name a few. We can always be assured we will see people drinking like we used to, at those events. However, as a sober couple, when we go to concerts, we know we will remember two things: (1) the concert and (2) where we parked our car; often, not everyone in the crowd can say that.
Another perk of being a sober couple is that we don’t have to navigate having a “normie” partner who drinks with impunity. We don’t have to worry about always being the designated driver for our partner, budgeting for alcoholic beverages on a night out, or being subjected to the stench of alcohol on our partner’s breath.
As a sober couple, it’s a relief to not to have to worry about the tension that comes from one person being away from home to attend meetings throughout the week. As a matter of fact, we often enjoy attending meetings together and never have to debate the need for an alcohol-free space at home. It’s kind of a given at this point.
Fortunately, having this alcohol-free space at home proved to be a safe haven for us during the Covid-19 lockdowns. We quickly realized this was not the case for everyone, as many people were isolated from friends, loved ones, and the recovery community. In some areas of the world, recovery communities quickly rallied together to set up zoom meetings or socially distanced in-person meetings, but not everyone was so fortunate to gain access or knowledge of these resources.
As relapses and overdoses skyrocketed, the forced isolation proved to be catastrophic for hundreds of thousands of alcoholics and addicts across the globe. We, like many others, experienced these losses firsthand and are still waiting… hoping, that the rooms will return to their former zeal. Our very own home group is still struggling to stay afloat after the damage Covid caused, and continues to cause, in our local recovery community.
These tragic events inspired us to do more to make recovery resources accessible, fun, and relatable to anyone, anywhere in the world. In light of this realization, we considered different ways that we could effectively reach as many addicts and alcoholics as possible. After several long discussions, we decided that creating a blog would be the best way for us to carry the message of recovery.
We wanted to share our real-life successes and failures in recovery, lessons we’ve learned along the way, and how we have learned to laugh at ourselves. Addiction in and of itself is cunning, baffling, and powerful; we often made pretty wild decisions. One thing we have realized, even in recovery, we are still a little nutty.
Getting sober is a profoundly courageous act; sifting through the wreckage of the past is never easy, but we’ve learned to work through it by not taking ourselves too seriously. We are truly grateful for every challenge we have overcome; the struggles have made us who we are today.
Practicing gratitude has been instrumental in both of our sobriety journeys. We believe that gratitude is not so much a thought or a feeling but an action to be taken each day. Because our stories document the nuttiness of our pasts and the gratitude that we have found in recovery, what better name for an addiction recovery blog than The Grateful Nuts!
We hope that The Grateful Nuts continues to widen a path of outreach for others who are newly sober, sober curious, or simply looking to expand their recovery network. We want this to be a safe community for people living with addiction, mental health, or dual diagnosis to come and share their experiences, strengths, and hopes with those who are seeking answers and support. If nothing else, we hope that by sharing our lives with others, we help reduce the stigma associated with addiction and mental health as we try to normalize life in recovery.
Whether you are in active addiction, recovery, or are just curious about addiction and mental health, our real-life stories have something for everyone. Some of our most popular posts to date include: “Chemical Free ≠ Sober,” “An Alcoholic Walks into an Irish Pub,” and “White Chip Wonder.” We also are active on our Instagram and Facebook accounts, where we post motivational messages, jokes about what it means to be an alcoholic, and weekly updates as new blog posts come out every Tuesday and Thursday.
About the Authors
The Grateful Nuts is an addiction and mental health recovery blog that details the lives of sober couple Nina and Stan. Through their often-humorous adventures, Nina and Stan share real-life stories that document the everyday life of alcoholics who have transitioned from active addiction to recovery. With raw honesty, they discuss what it is like to navigate real-world issues as a blended family, a married couple in recovery, and caretakers of three large dogs, Bulleit, Duck, Molly-frog, and a water-loving cat named Turtle. Whether it is the perils of international travel, the joys of deafening rock concerts or the simplicity of daily living, Nina and Stan weave together tales that have something for everyone. To join them on their recovery journey, visit: thegratefulnuts.com and follow them on Facebook and Instagram. Gratefulnuts.com
About the Authors
The Grateful Nuts is an addiction and mental health recovery blog that details the lives of sober couple Nina and Stan. Through their often-humorous adventures, Nina and Stan share real-life stories that document the everyday life of alcoholics who have transitioned from active addiction to recovery. With raw honesty, they discuss what it is like to navigate real-world issues as a blended family, a married couple in recovery, and caretakers of three large dogs, Bulleit, Duck, Molly-frog, and a water-loving cat named Turtle. Whether it is the perils of international travel, the joys of deafening rock concerts or the simplicity of daily living, Nina and Stan weave together tales that have something for everyone. To join them on their recovery journey, visit: thegratefulnuts.com and follow them on Facebook and Instagram. Gratefulnuts.com
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This is an absolutely wonderfully written post. It is inspiring. I hope they continue to reach for the stars!
”We believe that gratitude is not so much a thought or a feeling but an action to be taken each day” – I need this written VERY BIG on my wall! Find it so hard to feel grateful sometimes, not sure why because I do have a good life. Great post and reminder.
Love this
Thank you so much for your comments! It is inspiring to see that our words are meaningful to others! We are grateful that you took the time to let us know that we brighten your day, even a little! Danny T we all have are bad moments, but you are correct that we all have so much to be grateful for in recovery each day. We practice gratitude daily in many different ways because we are so thrilled to be free of addiction. Seeing evidence that we are able to inspire others with our writing keeps us excited about what we do. We are grateful to you guys for reading our posts. We hope we can continue to be a bright spot in your day!
Thanks so much for reading!
With gratitude,
The Grateful Nuts
Excellent!